What is Single Shaming?
The new scarlet letter is “S”. “S” is for single, as in single woman. For single shaming to stop, we need to understand what shaming means and how it impacts women as they age. An unpleasant self-conscious emotion often associated with negative self-evaluation; motivation to quit; and feelings of pain, exposure, distrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness is the definition provided by Wiktionary. Shamers shame others for reasons that include: appearance (dress size, skin color), taste in music, art, singledom, slut shaming, mental health, career, femininity, and money. Some of these reasons may overlap to become redefined as single-shaming. “Single shaming comes from the idea that being single is somehow ‘lesser’ to being in a relationship,” explains Match’s dating expert, Hayley Quinn. Occasionally, a well-meaning (albeit misjudged) compliment or a downright rude comment expresses this sentiment.
In Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter, Hester Prynne’s actions caused her shame. Single women’s inaction prompts an accusatory finger pointed at them. Hester wore an “A”. Single women don’t wear wedding bands. They are at fault for their lowered status. The way some look at it, it is simple, she needs to level up. If I embrace that shame, I will look in the mirror and see myself as broken. Somebody fix me, please!
They Presume
There is an assumption that every woman grows up dreaming of the day that she will become a bride, wife, and mother. If she does not marry her high school or even college sweetheart, getting a ring should be the next step, shouldn’t it? After all, next to earning a Bachelor’s degree, a Mrs. is the most desired accomplishment. If it has not happened by the designated magic number, she must be doing something to prevent it. Get your priorities straight, girl!
Pick Me, Pick Me!
Want to get picked for the marriage team? Demonstrate your worthiness. At least look the part so that some man chooses you. Shame declares that you need to be in a relationship that may lead to a walk down the aisle. Everyone must be booed up at any cost. Who cares if the relationship is healthy? Eventually, the heat will turn down, but not completely off.
Enhance What Your Mama Gave You
Perhaps we need a makeover to make us more of a prospect. At 40 +, we know that we are no longer PYTs, pretty young things. They may be our competition even with men our age. Enhanced exteriors have priority over our interiors. The beauty and fashion businesses are ready for us to hand over our coins for garments above and beneath, footwear, hair concoctions, and cosmetics. After all, we must stand out in the crowd and turn heads, darling! I have no quarrel with putting our best feet forward, sans stilettoes.
What Would June Cleaver Do?
Some men complain about independent/modern women being too Alpha, determined to dominate and emasculate men. They proclaim that these women don’t give off feminine vibes. They long to find women like their mothers or the TV moms filmed in black and white. If June Cleaver were alive today, would she be able to stay at home and vacuum in pearls and heels? As a woman of color like me, your mama may have worked outside of the home and then started her second shift as a wife and/or mother once she came home. June and Ward raised 2 white boys in the 50s. Since I came of age decades later, the landscape changed. Getting an education and standing on my own two feet were emphasized. Post-college marriage would mean my role would be similar to my mother’s.
You Don’t Say
I have heard more than my share of unsolicited well-intentioned and rude comments. Voting and purchasing insurance flipped the script to my marital status. A woman who knew my family thought that it was okay to tell me that I should be ashamed for not bringing a husband home. My insurance agent wondered why no one has chosen a nice lady such as myself.
Weddings are settings where you expect questions about your status plus love connections hoisted onto you. My late uncle stated on the way to a cousin’s reception, “You should marry when you’re young. When you are old, nobody wants you”. He didn’t say so, but I knew my name was supposed to fill in those blanks. I don’t know if people thought such comments would encourage or motivate me. Dumfounded, I had no snappy comebacks. Today, I can say, stop single-shaming women.
Have you ever been single shamed? How did you handle it? Tell us about it in the comments.
Hester Prynne is the protagonist of Nathaniel Hawthorne‘s 1850 novel The Scarlet Letter. She is portrayed as a woman condemned by her Puritan neighbors. The character has been called “among the first and most important female protagonists in American literature”.[1]