Monday, May 13, 2013
Que Sera . . . Whatever
On a recent visit to my hometown, I encountered the mother of an ex-boyfriend. She hugged me and said she always thought that I would have made her son a wonderful wife. I thanked her for her kind words. She mentioned he was going through. (Did she think that I could have prevented whatever he was mixed up in ?) Once upon a time, I wanted to be her daughter-in-law. Had he proposed I may have said yes because, during that phase of my life, I was hearing wedding bells louder than the voice of reason. If no one had spoken, then forever held their peace, I probably would have married him. For too long, I believed I’d be content whenever he’s around.
I know now that I would have been party to one hot mess. I tend to dig my heels in, giving my all, hoping and praying that somehow, some way things worked out. During the relationship, I was the most invested. Without a doubt, that would have carried over into the marriage. At the end of the relationship, I remember saying that I couldn’t carry 300 pounds, my 120, and his 180, all by myself. If he had intimated that he was the slightest bit willing, I would have hung in there.
Whenever You’re Around Is Lopsided
“It’s possible that one partner may not feel as strongly about the relationship as the other, or maybe one party isn’t sure exactly how they feel about it yet,” states Kendra Cherry, MS. Perhaps this girl deluded herself into believing that it was crystal clear that she wanted to get married. Given time, he would realize that I was destined to be his wife. Or time would reveal that I was not his “one”. He would express that so that no more time would be wasted.
In How to Tell If You’re In a One-Sided Relationship, some of the signs of a one-sided relationship to watch for mentioned by Ms. Cherry include:
- Initiating a vast majority of the activities and communication
- Having to make most major relationship decisions on your own
- Being the one who has to apologize
- Sacrificing everything to make the other person happy
- Feelings of insecurity and not really knowing where you stand
- Poor communication
- Imbalanced financial contributions
- Making excuses
In this type of relationship, one person feels like they’re the one usually reaching out to the other and giving their all. The problem with any one-sided relationship is that it can be draining and difficult to sustain over the long haul.
How to Tell If You’re In a One-Sided Relationship,
author and educator, Kendra Cherry
Who’s To Blame
Many of these signs are also a part of lists from the articles 7 Signs of Being in a One-Sided Relationship andAre You In A One-Sided Relationship? Why It Happens & How To Fix It. The two reasons that resonated the most with me were feelings of insecurity and not knowing where you stand and making excuses.
I felt forced to ask questions such as: What are we doing here? Who am I to you? Are we exclusive? How do you feel about me? What does it mean when you say that you love me? Whenever you weren’t around, I filled in the blanks to explain why we didn’t spend time together or why you couldn’t/wouldn’t make a lifelong commitment to me.
According to April Eldemire, LMFT, in 7 Signs of Being in a One-Sided Relationship, “Now might also be a good time to ask yourself honestly whether you’re the one dropping the ball on your partner and your relationship.” Two people played the blame game. This was not solitaire even though sometimes it felt like it.
Balancing Act
“Because of this imbalance, the person who is doing all the work often starts to feel resentful, which can be emotionally and physically draining. If you think that your relationship may be one-sided, it’s important to look at whether or not both parties are equally invested in the relationship.” Because my relationships lacked a solid foundation, they disintegrated. They fell apart in such a way that left me wondering, what had happened? I would have preferred that there was closure or at least a “kiss and say goodbye” moment. No neat package tied with a bow.
“It’s important to get clear with yourself about whether your relationship meets your needs and aligns with your values. Because here’s the reality: Some of us are willing to subordinate or disregard what’s truly important to us because we’re afraid of creating conflict or “rocking the boat.” But we often fail to realize that by disregarding our deepest needs, we create inner turmoil that can bleed into and disrupt our interactions with our partner—in other words, we end up creating exactly what we try to avoid,” adds Eldemire.
Whenever You’re Around
“Whenever You’re Around” by Jill Scott was written way after the fact, yet it is so apropos. It is fodder for this and future posts. The line that rings most true in this instance is, ” But I ain’t scared, if I’m gone be the only participating in it.”
“Making me smile, saying what I want to hear and the sweet things in my ear” caused me to ignore that I was “lonely whenever you’re around”. When things were going well I forgot that he was often “missing in action”, kept me at “arm’s reach” and left me feeling like I was the “only one participating”. “Seems like I’m always alone” and “I’m tired” didn’t keep me from wanting him to be around, forever. “They could physically be in the room sitting right next to you, but you can still feel alone because you’re not being emotionally seen and taken care of”. This comment from Relationship Coach, Julie Nguyen in Are You In A One-Sided Relationship? Why It Happens & How To Fix It also rang true to me.
Fast Forward
The video clip of my future would have been a depressed, burdened, struggling woman, with a husband nonetheless, but unhappy and unfulfilled. A stooped shouldered, lopsided, pack mule from carrying the load solo. Ringing in my head and heart was the question, can this relationship be saved? I never sensed a drop of urgency from him when things were heading south. Not once did he inquire, what must I do or how can I keep us going? No promise that he’d be around.
In the wedding ceremony, the officiant states, . . . for better, or worse, in sickness, and health, for richer or poorer. Optimist that I was, I looked forward to the good stuff and assumed that he would morph into that long-haul brother when the road got rocky. He proved to me that beyond chemistry, we had no substance. I attempted to dig deep to uncover some layers but came up lacking. The bottom line, when things went down, I would have to hold things together all by myself.
I am still no one’s daughter-in-law. The power to transform a man into a husband is not something I possess. That is a God case and HE does not need my assistance. HE also did not intend for me or any other person to shoulder ALL of the responsibility. No human being has that much influence or authority. Did any of the above, make you flashback or contemplate your present or future? Share it in the comments.