I haven’t watched American Idol in eons. Hopefuls come from across the country to shoot their shots at a singing career. They risk it all in front of a panel of industry experts. Some have or have had singing careers. Yes, the winner gets a recording contract but ultimately, the admiration of people everywhere is the desire. Idolization is the goal. In many church communities, marriage is the idol for singles, particularly for women. Locking eyes with her groom across the altar, beautifully unveiled. The American Church Girl Idol is envied by every unmarried woman in the congregation.
No Other Gods
broadly : to love or admire to excess
One of the topics on Thirty Minutes With the Perrys is The Idolatry of Marriage. Preston and Jackie Hill-Perry believe that marriage is a high honor. However, it is not THE highest honor as many churches lead us to believe. “External pressure makes women think that maybe the only thing God has for me is marriage,” states Jackie. Preston shared that people put marriage before God as a cure for their issues. That gives marriage more power than it should have.
Mike Leak, lead pastor at Calvary of Neosho, MO. writes, “The church can mistakenly exalt marriage to a position that is unhealthy. This causes singles to feel as if they are second-class. In doing this, we end up cooperating with, rather than mortifying, a bent toward an idolatrous view of marriage”.
In the article, Why Christian Girls Idolize Marriage, author, speaker, and public theologian Phylicia Masonheimer encapsulates the church’s missteps with these statements, “Buoyed by our culture’s exploitation of all things romantic, Christian girls receive an idealized image of what real marriage looks like. This photoshopped version presents marriage as a place void of insecurity, disappointment, and disagreement.” To save face, married couples in the church omit the bad and ugly and over-amplify the good and pretty.
Application Process
True confession, I enjoyed the “losers” from American Idol. Their friends and families didn’t have the heart to tell them that they dreamt an impossible dream. Their expectations were woefully unrealistic. Fame, fortune, and fandom were not going to be their lives. Their emotions ranged from crestfallen to atomic rage. American church girls’ emotions are prey during the waiting game. Why? Marriage is hyped up and honesty is downplayed within the church’s four walls. Have the unwed melted down internally alone? Or externally held pity parties with other disappointed contestants?
The Next Contestants
The target audience of church Singles Conferences is primarily women. The focus is more on marriage prep than strategies for flourishing during singleness. Church programming geared toward couples and families often overlooks the single’s point of view. Marriage is everything, the complete package. Your spouse is your all and all. “Marriage is offered as the only alternative to being alone,” Hill-Perry emphasized. Community, which consists of family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers is another alternative. Community is just as vital to singles as married folks.
Never-married women are not the only contestants on American Church Girl Idol. With little or no time to adjust to their new normal, widows and divorcees also have applications submitted on their behalf. In the 1990 film, To Sleep With Anger, Gideon was very, very sick. Family and friends came to the home to support them. A long-time family friend, Okra approaches Gideon’s wife Suzie with a proposal to become her new husband. Never mind that Gideon is still in the land of the living. If your family and friends never cared for your ex., visions of match-matching missions and dating apps dance in their heads. Next, they nudge you to get back in the saddle again whether you express interest or not.
1 + 1 = 2 married/valuable/complete
Church Marriage Equation
1 + (-1) = 0 single/less than/ incomplete
Marriage and singleness are BOTH gifts. Yet, I have been guilty of viewing singleness like a used car that I wanted to upgrade to a brand-new luxury model. Both run fine. However, appearances dictate a seat behind the wheel of the latter. What say you? Does the church paint unbalanced pictures of singleness and marriage? Feel free to comment below.