Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Only Skin Deep

List made. Check, uncheck?

Making a list of the criteria for my future husband probably began in my 20s.  Many of the things on the list were superficial like what he looked like:  hazel eyes, semi-sweet dark chocolate complexion, 6 feet or taller, and bulging biceps.  Every so often, I checked it and revised it. I never did, but I should have posed these questions to myself: 

  • Did I take care of my temple/body? 
  • Was I ready for the reaction that this beautiful creature would elicit?

 I wouldn’t be the only one that knew he was fiiinnnee.  That handsome face may come with the urge to constantly monitor his phone. To some women, it wouldn’t matter one iota that he was in a relationship/marriage with me.  Without hesitation, they would step over me to blatantly flirt with him.  If that happened, could I walk away with my dignity and not behave like certain housewives?  Hmmm.

Black Man Working

As time went on the things on my list shifted more to his career and education.  He didn’t have to be a millionaire, but the brother needed to have bank.  He needed to make more money than I did.  Never mind that his fat bank account might equate to enjoying those riches alone because he is a workaholic.

  • Was I bringing good money management skills to the table? 
  • Would I be contributing any debt to the relationship? 
  • How would I handle being with a man that made less than I did?  Would that cancel out all of his other good qualities?

Puppies, Concerts, Walks in the Park

He needed to have interests similar to mine. We had to have something in common. My interests are wide-ranging, from arts and culture to history to sports. Intelligent conversations about what was happening in the world would also be meaningful.

  • What if he wanted to do activities that were outside of my comfort zone? 
  • What if he wanted to explore things that I had no exposure to or interest in? 
  • What if our points of view clashed? Would we be able to handle conflicts?

God-Fearing Man

Oh yeah, he needed to have a relationship with God.  As a church girl, joining with any unsaved guy would be a deal breaker. If he checked the Christian/born-again believer box, then . . .

  • Would I feel like I competed with God for his time? 
  • Would his call to ministry make me uncomfortable?
  • Could I fulfill the role of the wife of a preacher man?  Along with that, was I ready to defend my spot as First Lady? 

I told Jesus that I wanted a tall, cultured, God-fearing. chocolate, BMW with eyes like Smokey Robinson.

Revised List

By not prioritizing this list, I indicated what I valued most. What I neglected to do was make sure that my list aligned with what was in my best interest.

Where the last revision of the list is, who knows.  I remember typing it and honestly can’t remember everything on it.  If God had given me each of those items on my checklist(s):  

  • Where would I be?
  • Who would I be?
  • Would I have lived happily ever after?
  • Could I live up to aaaallll that my dream man was?

Looking in the rearview mirror, showed me how ill-prepared I was for what I asked.  I am grateful that God didn’t grant my wish(es).  He knew that I was asking amiss and spared me some heartache.

If you have ever been married, did your husband check off items from your literal or figurative list? For the never-marrieds, do you have a list, and have you ever met someone who is a box checker? Tell us about it.